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i suffer from writers' block. its chronic.
surveying various blogs here and there, most of them reputable and interesting, leaves me feeling mentally stunted. notwithstanding my own opinions on various topics/issues/blah/blah/blah, i think i have an aversion to making them heard. unless what i say is going to produce some sort of benefit - then its better not to say it. (you may disregard all of this by the way). whoa...there's a contradiction! i mean, is what i think really going to have any sort of meaning unless i do something about it?

have you ever been anywhere where you might be in a position (through no fault of your own) to eavesdrop on a private debate - where two or more very opinionated buffoons argue in futility about issues which ain't gonna be solved because they're arguing about it?
"oh but davin - its healthy to talk about important issues - because it makes you think". Is that all? Is that all you are going to do? 'Think?' - Why won't you do something instead? You've just wasted thousands of calories basically talking about nothing - congratulations you've (in some small way!) managed to amplify the greenhouse effect with all your hoo haa. LOL. those poor poor canaries.

formatting woes

what a dumbass.
i had backed up all my old files including my CV on 5 separate cds.
i formatted my hard drive.
i reinstall everything.
load the backup cds...only to find that my old files hadn't been saved onto the cds!!!!!!

such a goober!
photos, music, documents. gone. kaput.

damn it.

Whalefarmers unite!

after 3 and a half years of collating our half-baked ideas, we've finally printed our first run of tees. rest assured that there will be more! i just hope it doesn't take another 3 and a half years.

What Whalefarm is not:

We are not a clothing label! Albeit we are presently using that medium to present our ideas and to make statements.

What ideas?

Well, they're not so much ideas as they are statements. There is a tonne of stuff out there in the world put forward by various people and groups with strong ideas, and some have louder voices than others. Some ideas are better than others. Some ideas are crazier and dumber than others. HOW should people respond to them? Exactly...!

We would like people to examine facts. Search for truths - (note that it is the search that is the reward). Educate ourselves. Don't take everything presented to you at face value.

What is it that really matters?

Disregard trivia. But know that they exist.

Basically we like poking fun at people who take themselves too seriously, in the hopes that they'll stop taking themselves too seriously.

You can choose to buy a t-shirt from our first run for $40....its up to you.

Comes in 4 colours, red, miltary green and 2 others - i can't remember what they are.

Size range - small to large, and medium in the middle.

send me an email if you'd like one

whalefarm@hotmail.com

its almost here!

be the first to get one (or 3)

space

man. how long has it been since my last entry? carmi...this is for you...but not just you.

im here in my office. i have no patients scheduled today. i spent the morning thumbing through various psychiatric journals and i read excerpts from the new zealand medical journal. i then had a chicken pie and an avocado sandwich for lunch. after my stomach was full, i trudged lazily upstairs to sit with a couple of colleagues who happen to be old friends (they were both on their lunch breaks). i think my stomach is actually expanding - the volume of food im consuming has increased in recent months and i think this is directly correlated with the size of my waist. im sitting up straight - hoping that i'll burn some calories doing so.

i've managed to finally get through this book that i've been reading for the last month! its called the 'interpreter of maladies' - a collection of short stories written by pulizter prize winner Jhumpa Lahiri. at first i wasn't sure whether i liked it or not. i've decided that i do like it, but i don't think i'll read it again. the stories are basically about outsiders - people who don't quite fit in and the reader is shown only a cross sectional view of their lives, we are forced to come up with our own conclusions to these stories i.e.: what happens next? - seems to be the question i was asking myself each time! Its as if Ms. Lahiri, through this book, wishes to convey that life goes on.

i'll be driving down to tauranga straight after work to see charity.

i've made a mixed cd of eclectic up beat tunes to keep my mind busy for the journey. i need to shave. i hate stubble. i look so dirty. im feeling a little bloated too - dang chicken pie!

i think i'll go make myself a cup of coffee. i might look up the latest clinical guidelines for the management of various mental disorders...maybe.

Upcomin GIG

my band [sansarcade] will be playing @ Schooner Tavern on 15th March - 8pm start.

tickets are $5 at the door - a steal!

its gonna be way way way fun.

just let the poor die

"just let the poor die"

you'd never hear me say or think that in a demi-century. but my actions. the selfish things i strive for, and the meaningless accruement of more material wealth. even the title of "Missionary" -even for a short term- which only serves to boost my already inflated ego. all that...disables me from doing the things that really matter.

what inspired such impassioned introspection - i hear someone ask? here we go...
it is not enough to have an "open heart/ and an open mind". BOLLOCKS. i heard someone say this-in regard to the plight of innocent people whose blood is being shed all over the world. what good is an open heart/open mind if nothing of 'time-worthiness' is collected in that filter we call brains. we are saturated with crap everyday. in the news - we hear about new zealand winning that sevens rugby game.yay. yawn! in the media - we hear tom and katie are squabbling over baby suri? people talk about how their workmate is a biatch for getting that promotion instead of them. and even church. yes. church - lets store up treasures in heaven guys - c'mon. Jesus wants YOU TO PROSPER ! oh. by the way your hair looks great , oh dude...that is a sweet outfit.you have soooo much style. oh u play the guitar? you should totally play at some christian concert/festival thinig! yeah!

sorry. maybe that was a little harsh. can't delete that now though. on a roll.
the church stands at the junction of power and powerlessness. i cannot help but feel we are standing with our feet pointed towards the latter. now let me first disclaim that i am in no way implicating any particular body of worship here. i speak generally. having said that however - it does have personal implications. at least i hope it does. i too am guilty of the same crimes - including the one of blissful ignorance. ah. free will. when was the last time you sung a song at church about Amadou dying on the street because he got no malaria pills - [you can buy them here for less than a dollar from the pharmacy in new zealand]? probably never. no no no. that would be too "in your face" ... too "confrontational". oh yes yes yes. you are quite right, we wouldn't want to tell people what its really like out there in the world, let alone think about that stuff. people just gotta get closer to God. we just gotta pray more. fast more. read our bibles more. lets get spiritual. coz that's what the world needs now isn't it.

c'mon man. lets do something with our lives. i feel like cussing right now. f'in lets do something!

finish that university degree so you can use that knowledge to free martyrs in jail.

go write that poem so you can inspire the oppressed.

go paint that painting - make people feel.

go finish that engineering degree so at least Amadou doesn't have to breathe dust while he's dying.

the fact that i had to be reminded that it was my birthday is probably commensurate with its insignificance. well perhaps that is a little hard - i suppose i feel a little indifferent or maybe its ambivalence?

what significance does "25" have? a quarter of a century young. what does it mean for me?

im not really sure to be honest. i still feel like a kid - as if i haven't quite grown up enough- indolent. maybe i never will and lets hope so.

its a little irksome that we should even be talking about 'n' life crises'...why 25? why not 26? or 16? etc etc. i guess its just an arbitrary figure, but i reckon its a kind of rest station to take stock and think about stuff e.g.: are we happy? and so on. its a little selfish - but that's okay, sometimes you gotta be in order to evaluate yourself and see where you fit in the grand schema. there are a few things i'd like to see happen in my lifetime before i go though. [i've had this inkling notion that mine will be short. about a decade left to go]. i'd like to see equal opportunity available to my bros/sists in Niger - and to achieve this would require a wholistic approach to mental/spiritual/physical well being - which would include improving the social milieu and all that good social justice stuff those hippies rave about :)

here's to another 25 + years. weeeeee!

klink*

good news?

i read in the paper today -
a young pakistani girl was raped by 11 men and then forced to parade herself naked downtown - the men felt their actions were justified after her brother had eloped with a local villager (obviously their family did not approve!).

how do we let such atrocities happen? though i understand it in the context of our propensity for evil...i still don't get it. this should not discourage us, rather it should challenge us to do something.

amid all this tragic news.
there are uplifting stories.
i had the pleasure of helping a young 30 year old schizophrenic lady. disowned by her family, and cast out of their home - they had had enough. they had even uttered the heart shredding words "my daughter is dead. this is not my child". it all seemed hopeless for her. but not so. she's now living in a supported flat and pretty much fully functional again - normal. she's happy. i cannot stop smiling.

duty

psychiatrists* come closer to human suffering than any other branch of medicine. so we should be aware of the fact that poverty and political, social and economic inequalities between groups predispose to conflict. they directly contribute to psychiatric morbidity by increasing the disparity between the 'haves' and the 'have nots'. the greater global psychiatric community has a moral duty help such. conflict is greater in semi democracies or governments in transition like east Africa and democratic institutions must be inclusive at all levels

*A physician (an M.D.) who specializes in the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of mental illness. Psychiatrists must receive additional training and serve a supervised residency in their specialty. They may also have additional training in a psychiatric specialty, such as child psychiatry or neuropsychiatry. They can prescribe medication, which psychologists cannot do

*A*

its been almost a year a half since we left niger. traces of africa still occupy my mind. i cannot forget. perusing the hundreds of photographs daniel and i , took caused memories i had thought forgotten to resurface. and its now never been more alive in my mind. i suppose i've become almost obsessed with the idea (see previous post). i stumbled across this photo of *A*.

now i recognise his suffering. i was never really convinced of it until now. im sure he had the so called 'supreme affliction' - a disorder of the mind. left undiagnosed. misunderstood and stigmatised - this young man lived a life that was ridiculed. i feel sorry. i feel angry at myself for not seeing it-if i had would i have been able to help him? to our credit we offered him our friendship - but certainly this was not enough. i yearn to see good health return to people like *A*.
is hope a mystical thing?

i've long had an inkling that i might die young. all i ask is that i live long enough to see some sliver of resolve.

hope rising now.

...

forgive the title. its a little broad. but i think its apt. don't worry this entry will not take long to read...not that im really worried about what you think.

plenty has happened in this whalefarmers' life since his last post in october. i won't go into detail as the sensitive nature of the material could invalidate the reputations of certain persons. but, i'll just mention a few things here and there.

so, i have a new job. and i love it. for the first time in a long time, i find myself happy -actually happy- to go to work. the thrill of being able to help a person both physically and mentally is exciting. the outcome rewarding. i smile all day. once again i am inspired and at the same time encumbered also by a burden. i read articles of the atrocities taking place in darfur - get itchy. i must go there. but i reckon finishing my specialist examinations first would be a good idea - i'll be in better stead then. my dream of starting up a mental health service in central and west africa remains. the mentally afflicted are treated like animals, thrown out onto the streets - beaten , scolded, scalded, humiliated, killed. i hurt. you should too. i fear this goal given me tunnel vision. i have no time for wasting time. consequently people get hurt. i sometimes wonder if im being narcissistic or economical.